Letter to Heaven

Dear Daddy,

I wanna scream to show how much I missed you, but that could make me look like some kind of freak. I miss you dad, more than everything. I still remember vividly about the details, when you were still laying on the bed, suffocating, breathing with the aid of machine, my heart sank, ached and I really don't want you to suffer. You've suffered so much when you were raising 6 of your children, working days and nights to make sure your family at kampung will get enough money. You will always tried your best to fulfill our needs and requests. There was a time when I asked you to buy me a bicycle, in return I'll do the best in my year end examination during primary school, Year 3. I managed to secured the first place, but you didn't do as you promised. I feel frustrated. I was so into bicycle that time, since my friends, almost all boys, have their own.

I told mum how frustrated I was, but mom comforted me and said that "Your dad most probably forgot about it, since he is so busy with works. Try to understand him" 

You bought a bicycle for me when I'm 12 years old. It was a big, yellow bike.

Now, as I grew up, I finally understand my childhood memories. I was so young and I didn't know that you worked so hard to earn a living, sometime you forgot to give the best for yourself. You give priority to  your family, as long that we are happy, and you will feel happy as well. You only come back to hometown twice a year, June and December. I was so excited when the time you'll be coming home because you always collect coins and put it inside a bottle and brought it home, for me. You will sleep on the couch, snoring loudly. You always told us the funny story about Moliat and ghost stories. We were all terrified when it comes to ghost stories but you just laugh and said, " Human are more terrifying than ghosts, since human can kill you while ghosts can't"

It's been 1 year, since the day you left us. The day you died because of septic shock, part of me is dying too. The big hole inside my heart seems can't be filled, no matter how hard I tried to fill it up, no matter how hard I try to keep myself busy so that I won't be drawn away by this sadness. I dreamt about you sometimes, and I feel so real. I can feel you were reaching out for me, and by the time I wake up, you were gone, along with the dream. I searched everywhere in our house, for your old photos, photos of us together but it turned out as a disappointment  to me since we didn't took photos together a lot.

Now, I grew up stronger, emotionally, as I prayed to God to grant me a strong-will heart to continue living, even though part of me is dying along with your physical body. You are in a better place than here. Just want you to know that we will always love you, always be, and forever will be. I may find my prince someday, but you are still my King.

with love,

your daughter.

Letter to Heaven.

Hello dad, It's been a while, your daughter is pretty busy handling college life, as I'm in the middle of semester 2 now :) Nothing much had changed since you're gone, we are still continuing our life, even though sometime we do feel hopeless and we do miss you dad :') 

Mum, she's not feeling very well in the fast few days, maybe because she is too tired from taking care of Charlie. Don't worry dad, we keep our promise to you, as we promised to you that we will always take a good care of her. She's okay, but she lose some weight.

How things going down there dad? 

Sister posted something about Tom and Jerry on Facebook today, it reminds me of your favourite cartoon back then, and your favourite ice cream is Red Bean Ice Potong. I still remember when we are going to the shop, you will asked us to buy the ice cream for you, and you don't want anything else, you just stick with your ice cream. I still remember your ghost stories you used to tell to us, to make us feel scared.Hahaa ;) You never failed to make us feel very scared with your stories. Some of the stories are funny, and we laughed together. 

When you're gone, things get a little harder.As for me, I'm the youngest in our family. I have to stay strong. I have no choice. To be stronger emotionally is a hard process.Trust me, along the way, I might be emo, I might be regretting what I've done, I might cry in the middle of the night but I kneel down and prayed, to seek for His love and calmness. It works. 

I'm not dwelling to the past dad, I know everything happens for a reason. It's time for you to meet Him. I want you to stay longer with us, but it would be a selfish act as I can only plan, but God decides everything.

I can only pray, along my way of life, I wish, I can stay walking with God and when it is the time for me to go, I know, eternal life is waiting for us. Thank you dad, for being our greatest dad, you will be always be my hero.  

much love,

your daugther

Updates.

 Life without Mckenzie@Jericho, I feel a bit dull. I used to take random photos here, edit it and just a few seconds uploaded into this blog.Tadaaa.Done.The power of digital camera. Now, my aim to focus more on films is more challenging, and yet, I have to wait for it to be developed. Patience is needed :P

But it will never stops me from getting more serious into lomography, never say never.HAHA. I've been thinking about buying a SLR camera, which will cause a huge hole in my account bank. So, I told myself to wait a little bit more, saving 100 bucks per-month will help me get my dream come true, Amen :)

Le classmate came to me yesterday and asked about my instax camera. I brought it once to class, during Sir Huzaifie Farewell Party, and some people were asking about this and that, and there were people saying sarcastic things about being outdated, bla bla bla that I didn't even care.HOHO. But le classmate was very interested in buying one, so I feel honored to explain a little bit about the camera. I don't know why, I feel excited to explain when it comes to photography. It's on my blood, maybe? HAHA.

I used 1 box of instax film last night, during Sabahan Pharmacy Trainee Gathering and paste it on my album I bought with Gett last time at Kaison. Too bad instax can't save a soft copy of the photo :P 

last for today's updates, photo that bring back memories ;) 

I asked my friend about dream:

Le friend: If you met somebody in your dream, they come to ask for your prayer.

me: If I met my late father, wearing a suit, waving at me with a cheerful smile? What is the meaning of the dream?

Le friend: That's mean, he's gone through the light already :)

It was my sister's dream actually. 

Cobalt blue sky.

Am I the only person that feel calm when I look into the sky?

I have this indescribable feelings. It's like mixed up and I hate it. I can't tell whether I'm happy or not.

When you know someone had lost their beloved ones, you seem to be connected with their feeling,  emptiness. They may be gone, but they stay in our heart, forever.

much love.

Letter to heaven.

I'm home dad :) a little bit late, I'm supposed to write sooner but your lazy little girl is so busy saving the world. Happy Father's Day dad :') We went to the church last Sunday, Mum, Charlie, Gbeat, Bianca and me. That day was the celebration. Pastor preached about Perfect Father. He showed us some videos, relating to Father's day. We all touched. Pastor told the fathers to gather with their family and pray. We sat there, praying even though you are not by our side. I honestly feel a little bit sad, looking to the other family, praying with their dad. Then suddenly, Aunt Kasinah came and hugged us. I cried, I'm really touched, she even prayed for us.That's the proof that you will never leave us.

Mum is getting better and better each day. She hang the wedding anniversary pictures on the wall. You look so handsome in suit dad :) There are so many memories of you here. I just want to live at this moment :)

Always loving you.

love,

your daughter.

One fine day.

Photos bring up memories.

Time really flew up so fast huh?15 years ago, I still have chocolates stuck in my teeth when I took my passport picture. Having fun with le friends during secondary school, wearing the green Tshirt, *I'm in love with green colours back then* having niece and nephews, watching they grew up and became such a lovely person, fights with Thetcher, can't get along with him before, but eventually, things changed, and we became best friend. Get to know each other with Mckenzie, been a great companion until now, and indulge myself in lomo-thingy. Bought Instax.Started wearing spectacles, changed my spec third times already.Not going to change because I've found the perfect one.Heartbroken, pushed him away, until he finally went away. My faults.Saying goodbye to UM, never got the chance to go there. Entered Kskb, met new friends. New resolution.Lost the only gentleman in my life, feeling down and hopeless. Emptiness and mourning.Until now. 

people asked me, am I okay?I told myself, they didn't want to hear the truth.The truth is, I'm not okay. - Elena, The Vampire Diaries.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Letter to heaven.

How are you dad? We missed you so much.Things turned out to be tough since you've gone. I can barely recognize myself.My mind isn't here anymore, and I longed for your existence.

 I torture myself with sad song whenever I think about you. I still need you, but I guess heaven was needing you more. It is hard to believe. I look into the old photos and I found some pictures of yours, when you're still healthy, still smiling cheerfully. 

I feel bad about our last argument, during that time, I saw you crying, just because of stupid things we do to our family, and I still remember you said that you don't know how many days left for you to be with your family, and you hope that the family will be reunited again. I've never thought that one day you will leaving us, but now, it all make sense.

Dad, I feel empty and weak. I cannot stand on my own in this cruel world without you as my guide. the day that you left, Mum said, "He never hit me, since the first day we get married and until now". Mum was crying, I cant help myself from crying too. That is the most emotional moment in my life.

Mum is getting better and stronger. I believe that she will. I've never seen true love before this, now I've already see it. Love between you and her. 

Dad, wherever you are, I love you and we will meet soon in heaven. I'll continue writing to you whenever I got the time okay Dad? 

with love,

your daughter.