Letter to Heaven

Dear Daddy,

I wanna scream to show how much I missed you, but that could make me look like some kind of freak. I miss you dad, more than everything. I still remember vividly about the details, when you were still laying on the bed, suffocating, breathing with the aid of machine, my heart sank, ached and I really don't want you to suffer. You've suffered so much when you were raising 6 of your children, working days and nights to make sure your family at kampung will get enough money. You will always tried your best to fulfill our needs and requests. There was a time when I asked you to buy me a bicycle, in return I'll do the best in my year end examination during primary school, Year 3. I managed to secured the first place, but you didn't do as you promised. I feel frustrated. I was so into bicycle that time, since my friends, almost all boys, have their own.

I told mum how frustrated I was, but mom comforted me and said that "Your dad most probably forgot about it, since he is so busy with works. Try to understand him" 

You bought a bicycle for me when I'm 12 years old. It was a big, yellow bike.

Now, as I grew up, I finally understand my childhood memories. I was so young and I didn't know that you worked so hard to earn a living, sometime you forgot to give the best for yourself. You give priority to  your family, as long that we are happy, and you will feel happy as well. You only come back to hometown twice a year, June and December. I was so excited when the time you'll be coming home because you always collect coins and put it inside a bottle and brought it home, for me. You will sleep on the couch, snoring loudly. You always told us the funny story about Moliat and ghost stories. We were all terrified when it comes to ghost stories but you just laugh and said, " Human are more terrifying than ghosts, since human can kill you while ghosts can't"

It's been 1 year, since the day you left us. The day you died because of septic shock, part of me is dying too. The big hole inside my heart seems can't be filled, no matter how hard I tried to fill it up, no matter how hard I try to keep myself busy so that I won't be drawn away by this sadness. I dreamt about you sometimes, and I feel so real. I can feel you were reaching out for me, and by the time I wake up, you were gone, along with the dream. I searched everywhere in our house, for your old photos, photos of us together but it turned out as a disappointment  to me since we didn't took photos together a lot.

Now, I grew up stronger, emotionally, as I prayed to God to grant me a strong-will heart to continue living, even though part of me is dying along with your physical body. You are in a better place than here. Just want you to know that we will always love you, always be, and forever will be. I may find my prince someday, but you are still my King.

with love,

your daughter.