Daddy's little girl. Whenever she needed a space on her own, she will keep herself drowned with amazing books accompanied by Jericho and Mckenzie, the catch-eye.

Friday, 7 September 2018


Oh. Hi. my PMS kickin' in like there is no tomorrow. I've been so emotionally lately and apart from work that had been draining me down, I cannot help myself from overthinking about my own life.
I rarely write nowadays, blame me for losing my creative juice and unable to multitask since now I'm too occupied with :

1. Full time work and locum during weekend and after office hours
2. Part Time as a student at Oum
3. social life ( I failed at this)

There are so many things to write/rant now, I'm not sure whether I can cope with thought in my mind and projecting it into a writing, let's just bear with me okay?

I sometime feel that I don't have anyone to talk with.Sometimes I have these miserable thoughts that I NEED to share with someone, just to share because I'm not expecting others to understand nor did I expect them to settle it for me. 

Oh and I deleted my Facebook account for good. Logging in  Facebook now its like going into a toxic environment, everyone has their own opinion and everyone expect their opinion to be respected and zero tolerance. I haven't touched on racism, gender biased, extremist ( you name it) etc etc. 

next, Its my second year  learning at OUM. I'm taking Psychology . Despite I have a time constraint because I feel tired after work and I don't have the energy left to study but I manage to do it (but I failed a few subjects and repeated the subjects xD). I didn't take any education loans, which  means I need to pay my own fees which is hard for me since I'm renting an apartment alone, paying for a car loan, utilities and other bills alone. Its quite hard to do all alone and I barely can cope it. T.T

Despite all the hard time and baggage that has been drowning me down, I'm thankful I have a job to earn money, house as a shelter , food on my plate, clothes to keep me warm, TV and internet to keep me entertained, and close friends to talk with. :')

Saturday, 6 August 2016

still breathing

A quick update on how I've been living my life so far lol.

I had my haircut, super short and I loved it. No more serabut long hair which took me hours to get ready every day. Some people asked me why I cut it short, putus cinta ka durg bilang. I said, no, I've been wanting to get myself this kind of haircut but ya, my exes didn't like girl with short hair. Since I'm single and not ready to mingle right now, so why not trying a new look kan?hewhewhewhew

2. I've conquered Mount Kinabalu wohooo!
It was an amazing experience, although I spent 5 days suffering from muscle pain xD

3. My sister and I went to a trip to Krabi and Bangkok. It was spontaneous. I got a promotion tix using my Bigpoint. Since we already been to Phuket, and almost all the beach we already covered, so I told my sister why not we just  stay one day at Krabi and take train to Bangkok? She agreed and tadaaa. We made it. Our first trip together after she delivered her baby Noah.

p/s em begitula kisah siaurang dalam bebE\erapa hari dolo. I'll miss blogging and will definitely write a longer post next xD

Sunday, 12 June 2016

Lazy sunday.

It was such a shame, that it had to end this way.

she sits alone, drinking the chilled can of beer she just bought earlier.It happens occasionally, as it helps her to sleep better at night, when she's not busy with work. 

People (who are not close to her) think her life is a mess and pathetic. They said, 'Move on, there are a lot of good people out there to choose upon, don't spend your entire time crying over a split milk'. Truth is, I'm done with all the sleepless night, the too many 'what if' questions, heartbreaks, flashbacks etc. I'm in that stage where I can now fully understand why certain things were allowed to happen, and somehow you cant always get what you want.  Somehow, people thought I was still being a freaking sad moron who cannot move on from the recent breakups. yes, breakup with 's' .

1. Fist person,he was that kind of person you fantasized in a fairy tale kind of love story, where forever will exist. He passed your pre test, and got all the list checked. He cooks very well, better than me. He was that kind of person you are ready to spend your entire life together. I did pictured us, at the altar, exchanging vows, living happily ever after, having kids, and I even think of suitable names to give to our babies.

After almost 3 years of relationship, something went wrong, and I hated myself for letting my guard down, for not fighting for us. I guess I'm that idiot who let you slipped from my life thinking it was better for you to go on without me.

2.Second,  he was someone you thought will never fall in love with someone as miserable as me,, but in the end he did ( I still cannot accept this, and keep asking myself why). Even for the short period of time we knew each other, but the impact was unbearable, the day when you made up your mind. I always love this place, but it seemed haunted without you. When you left this place for good, I always find something that reminds me of you and it was hard to cope alone. I hide all your belongings out from my sight, I even deleted you phone number and photos we've taken together. I refused to drive near the place you used to stay. When I listen to you favorite songs, I broke into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. I hate myself for being a pathetic sad person.  I had a terrible insomnia after so long. I thought I can handle breakup better than this, but I was wrong.
If someone asks me if I can turn back the time, what would I do? If i can turn back the time when we first go out together, I will convince myself NOT to fall for you. It is easier that way

It was never easy and forever not will be. I couldn't sleep well, and I keep waking up because I feel like I've been suffocated. I cried in the middle of night, sometimes at 3 am, and after my energy had drained after crying, I get back  to sleep. The circle continues for quite some time. Then I keep myself busy with work. I took double shifts, sometimes continuous shift just to keep myself distracted. I didn't eat properly, I had no appetite at all.I drove back home to keep my mind off a lil bit. Thank God, I began to realize that sometime the people you love will not always be right beside you. Sometime you and I were just an intersection line, we met at one point and after some time, we went to a separate path.

I hope both of you will meet the love of your life. The girl who will always love you unconditionally. She sees the flaws in you but she accepts it wholeheartedly. It doesn't matter how do you look when you wake up, or how bad your singing are, or how you can be so ignorance when you are busy with lectures. She will always stay by your side, loving every inch of you and always fight for the relationship to work.

I'm sorry if throughout the time we were together, I know I'm not perfect, I had those emotionally unstable moments. I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me. I'm sorry for not being able to say out loud my feelings to you, and not being open up with you. I'm sorry for letting you go through a very bad situation. I'm sorry for giving up on you when it almost time you finished with you med school. I know sorry isn't enough, but I can only be sorry right know.Forgive me for being such an inconsiderate human being.

Sunday, 22 May 2016

5 degrees of separation.

  After so long, finally I had the urge to write (read: ramblings). Being an adult sucks. They said 'work hard and play hard' but how it even possible when I spent almost all my time at work and have little time to actually enjoy myself?

2016 started pretty rough to me. Breakups (yes, 's') hit me and left me completely off.First scenario, I thought he was the one I'm going to marry. Cliche as it might sound to you but I really did. He fits perfectly to the checklist I made during high school (yes, I did that too xD) I think timing wasn't right for both of us but still I feel I have to put the blame on me for not being strong enough to fight for it.

Monday, 5 January 2015


God, I put my trust in You. You know the path of my life especially on where I will be posted, guide me because I know for sure where you guide, you will provide :)

Sunday, 4 January 2015


Church is not the house of saints.

I often heard people said that not all people who went to church is good, probably they are just the as bad as others who didn't go tho church. Who said about the requirement to go to church is someone who is good and never do any sin? He said in Romans 3:23, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. No one should ever judge about someone's choices about going to church because it is their action driven by their faith, not a symbol of how 'saint' they are. 
Matthew 26: 41, Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak. The only action we have to do is constantly praying, and whenever we fall into temptation, we seek for God's forgiveness. 

'I've prayed for so long, but nothing happened.'
'Why the non-believers were showered with  wealth and good life while me who prayed and went to church were always the same?'

Some whines I heard and often they take all the blame to God. They claimed that God didn't hear their wails and prayers. 

This illustration changes my view about how God always be there for us. We often blamed God for not listening to our prayers and not granting every wish we have. The truth is, He always there for us. Where God guides, He provides. God always leads us to where we need to be, not to where we want to be.